ESCAPEE: Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE): Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERs, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS: Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARs. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARs that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED: Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY: Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
NO FLY ZONE: Definition: Refers to a highly trafficked set of stalls where the seat is never cold. The antithesis of SAFE HAVENS.
CONFETTI: Definition: Print-outs of various internet news articles or newspapers left on the floor or near the roll dispenser by UNCLE TED visitors.
10-2-4 Definition: Hours of the day which statistically exhibit the greatest possibility of SAFE HAVENS being unoccupied. Experienced UNCLE TED users may gauge their statistical analysis when the motion-sensor lights are off due to long periods of inactivity in SAFE HAVENS.
THE GREEN MILE: Definition: A near-miss WALK OF SHAME by which the pooper exits the stall and reaches the sink before someone walks in and discovers that it was actually you.
SPICE ISLANDS: Definition: A set of stalls that have not been cleaned since Magellan's expedition to the Spice Islands during the 16th century. These could be at work but for Business travellers may include airports and airplane lavatories.
WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM Definition: If you are looking for someone and they cannot be found this person probably is located in one of the SAFE HAVENS.
SALT FLATS Definition: A rocket-like outburst of an ESCAPEE but with a much longer duration (exceeds 3 seconds) and a sound similar to cars used to set land speed records on the Bonneville Salt Flats.
SABER DANCE Definition: The perilous and often lengthy journey to find another SAFE HAVEN when your primary SAFE HAVEN of choice is occupied and a WATERMELON or similar is imminent.
SKI LIFT Definition: Multiple people sidie-by-side in a row of stalls (ski poles optional) can also be named "the starting gate."
FORT KNOX Definition: a SAFE HAVEN to which you or a very limted set of people have exclusive access.
CLUSTER BOMB Definition: succesive HAVANA OMLETS throughout the day
GUIRO Definition: A roll of toilet paper that has been crushed such that the inner cardboard tube is not round and causes the paper to tear at every other sheet.
DIZZY GILLESPIE Definition: an unfortunate soul in an adjacent stall practicing altissimo trumpet music, punctuated by an occasional rapid stacatto of high-pitched notes.
"The bathrooms were in horrible disrepair; you could call them 'patent offices' because the last toilet that was installed was 'patent pending.'"
"The men's room was so in need of cleaning that the public hair piled up until it drifted around like the Tumbling Tumbleweeds. Even the dust bunnies left tracks."
