eel news

All the eel news you'll ever want to read.


I've never been so close to someone so far apart.


I love listening to self-proclaimed camera aficionados discuss photography, but do not know how to pronounce Leica.



A gush of molasses just blew by.


"The people that are offended by this probably should be." -- t-shirt prototype


The top tier has nothing to fear.


It's amazing how rapidly you can approach a problem when you know what the problem is.


I wouldn't be concerned if I felt like they were concerned.


My favorite letter of the alphabet: D!


If he has to ask, he shouldn't be in a position to ask.


IT is IT no matter where it is.


It was so good I needed a cigarette before the meal.


The key to privacy on social media: don't write stuff you don't want people to know about.


Do you actually think you'd use colors like that if you were sober?


Kinda low on films about the South.


That was the closest i came to almost seeing you.


It was gulping for air just like a little minnow mouth...


If it's between "that" and "none", well, it's great!


It's flexible, just not in that sense of the word.


It's all from the west if you approach it that way.


If you've got lots of what you got you got lots of what you got a lot of.


jsb: I haven't figured out what a pick is... :-/
DirtNap: A pick is that thing that makes the bass sound white


Bituminous roof.




Wow - a car dealership. Won't be seeing many of those soon.


"C'mon everybody! We have to get ready for a perilous expedition to the nearest Starbucks!"


Minneapolis Lunch.


Man 1 - "We've got a pretty good idea he's going to show up"
Man 2 - "Well how do you know that?"
Man 1 - "Because his stuff has been showing up here for the past 2 weeks"
Man 1 - "Confidence is high, I repeat confidence is high"


"Well I've always thought of myself as self-supervisory."


It struck at me with smell.


It's a shallow neighborhood of the wannabe's that aren't.


BlackBerry certification: That would be like having a certification for eating.


It only suits their needs when it suits their needs.


"Historic District" is a euphemism for Run Down.


I made a double cappuccino from the Illy machine... I looked in the cup and saw a lightning bolt sticking out of the foam.


Surely they expect more than he can provide.


He could be a really good person but he chooses to build self esteem through his job.


That's the good thing about being in control, is that you are.


The new F word is stronger than the old N word.


Dave M. probably had visions of pink ziploc bags with gray elephants inside.


He used to use a variacwalnut.


[ISP] DNS had forward A records but no reverse PTR records - that's like having half a car.


"In your current state of over-medicated anti-depressant delusion I am sure that makes perfect sense, but I'm afraid I'm still going to have to put you in 'time-out.'"


JD's definition of E-mail: "That's like me expecting you to answer if I go outside and yell for you."


I wonder how many pills you have to take to write that.


Scrum/Agile is popular by managers who want to beat their chest and use all this fake/contrived spirit and energy to all work together and eat pizza together and hold hands, so they can think about work 24 hours a day.

RUP is popular by employees who just want to do their work and be left alone, away from bothersome managers who want to beat their chests, so they can go home and not think about work 24 hours a day.


I need to film a meal and send it to you.


"I'm sure, somewhere near Hilda, there's a little Hominy plant that survived the storm, with its little Hominy arms, shooting through the ice and frozen soil."

"Burning hominy to survive..."

"Hominy Glow" - purported Frank Zappa song

-- in reference to January 13, 2007 ice storm that hit SW Missouri


"It's got stuff on it that eats food."

-- comment made in response to vegetarian pizza, piled high with bell peppers, onions, mushrooms and other non-meat toppings


"We do the Lidocaine Boogie, and we boogie on down..."


"Misinterpretation is just that."

-- eelcon 2006, Nakato


"Virtual is just that, Virtual"

"If it wasn't Virtual it would be Real"


"We are the Baskin-Robbins of databases, we have 31 flavors!"


Half the power you had is now twice the power you need.


I'd rather ask a dumb question than do a dumb thing.


"You're not waiting on me; you're waiting on the machine." - response to a user wondering why it takes so long for a seeminly-simple operation to complete on old hardware that should have been upgraded many years ago.


Having the right answer is not as useful as doing the right thing.


On outsourcing: "Too many indians, not enough chiefs." - or - "Lots of indians, not too many chiefs."


I am a niche-market player; I don't want to be another potato in the bag.


The oxen up here must be eating popcorn for an extra booster charge going around the turnstiles - it's popping as it comes out.


On consulting: My effort is your money.


Intelligence unchecked by Morality begets Liberalism.


"Do you have any ants for these Scallops?"


Evaluations are a way to screw the working man out of something they were never going to give you anyway.


I have a dim view of people whose purpose in life is to type error-free things on a keyboard yet shorthand the communications to others who depend on their accuracy.

This is in regards to people (particularly, software developers) who type "pls" or "plz" instead of the whole word "please" - likewise, New Englanders use equally goofy phrases such as "con call" and "caff" relating to conference calls and cafeterias. Are these people so lazy that they can't even speak complete words?

"Caff" for cafeteria
"Feb" for "February"
"Con Call" for conference call
"Flea" for flea market.


That's like a D-and-a-half!


Bad Manager's Credo: "Why hold up progress when my employees can bear the blame?"


To get on top of something you first have to get out from underneath it.


Chuck truck.


Let me be the first to tell you, "Uhh, No."


Chogs. Chucked logs.


JD: "What is familiar to you now was new to you at one time."


JD: "JD's trying to install oracle 10g on a linux machine. it's bombing"
JD: "Have you read the "getting started" 3 X 5 card?"


We've got two DHCP servers passing out IPs from the same pool of addresses, for redundancy.


Keep looking til you find something because you haven't found anything.


Someone just farted in the office building. I can smell it.


Do you want to get along or do you want to get ahead?


I'd rather have you bitch at me for being proactive than bitch at me for being reactive.


Stilt Camp!


Diaries, journals and blogs are a means to kill a person after they have already died.


Caff? (In reference to New Englanders that shorten 'cafeteria' to 'caff')

Vay-kay? In reference to morons who think vacation is too complicated to say.

"It's okay to say the whole word - spoken words are free."


"My wife is in a Russ Meyer film!"


"It's an Intelligence Kit - you put it together!"


"Every time there is something new they release a new one."


"Here's the point where nothing you can do will matter."


"I don't know who you think you are but let me tell you who I am."


Man1: "It doesn't quite work."

Man2: "It doesn't quite work at all."


You're going to have to call me tomorrow; you've given me way too much advance notice on this.


Fuel oil delivery driver on anti-gelling agent:
"That would have been good if we put that in there."


Eat! Don't let your sushi get cold.


SAE 0 grease - viscosity of zero. Guaranteed not to break down.

A square cube of grease. It spreads with a hammer.

Resistant to thermal stress.


Hang on just a second... I need to tell someone how to create a new Word doc from a template.

"Uhh, 'File, New?'"

I'll get a question about that too...

"How does that work?"

"Well, pretty well, actually. It works pretty good."

I didn't mean to tell you how to do things that work because it's fun.
I want to tell you the hard way because it's more rewarding in my job.


Something below surface has surfaced.


Waitress Manifesto recovered from the ancient archives.


I had a good one a few minutes ago...

The building management people for the building we're in hosted a "Tea Party" in the front lobby - tables of little finger cakes, cheese cakes, tea, coffee and a harpist playing jaunty Christmas music...

So I'm struggling with a piece of warm cheesecake, trying to get it on my plastic plate with a plastic, lucid spoon when up comes a guy making light conversation about the harpist playing "Little Drummer Boy rum pum pummm pumm" - so I ask "I wonder if she could play a little Led Zeppelin on the old throat fiddle" and the guy does a double-take that could only be re-enacted by Hopkins or Brando...

Meanwhile, the guy continues his blank stare as I walk away from the table.


Waiting on them to get ready; you're ready, so as soon as the people get ready you'll be ready.


Ranking of Awards that are Awarded:

eel horizon award - one time award for lifetime achievement
eel trinity award - best new artist, most improvement over the year


"You gotta start somewhere to get somewhere." -- John David Fetzer


eelerator: "hey, have you ever used Rid-X in the ol' septic tank? Does it really work? what does it do?"

eelmaster: "Yes - think of it as the Diskeeper for your septic tank. Depending on the number of "shanks", a dose every six months should be sufficient. It promotes the growth of Shank-eating bacteria."


"I love music that sounds like a Conrail locomotive caraeening headlong into a truckload of Harpsichords. Oh that's beautiful..."


"The chucks are in the bowl - look at how they drape over each other..."


"Sorry, I gotta get off the phone. I've got to get to the next overwhelming problem."


"What are we going to do, Implement it so we can have it install what is already installed?"


Recently overheard... Individually, some people are stupid, so what makes you think they'll be more intelligent when you assemble them into a group?


Well, it's not like you're using MySQL or something; if you're reasonably intelligent and paying attention you could put 2 and 2 together.


"Bend over and smell my Anal Webserver Vapor!" - Zappa, revised.


eelerator: Did I ever tell you about the time I worked at McDonald's and battered and deep fried some rocks and a paper cup?
Kosh: LOL
eelerator: It was delicious
eelerator: Filet 'o Rock
eelerator: McCup
Kosh: hahahah


"That's not going to happen again."


"The worst I was gettin' was the best I was gettin' at the time."


"I'm Multihome-ed!"


Truck's at the dock; make sure that's double-wrapped.


"I want this package to arrive in better condition than when I sent it."


"Well, I'm sure glad you gave me six days. I don't think I could have got it done in five!"


"Flaming Anal Rat Cannon" - spotted on the side of a large orange traffic cone, Kenmore Square, Boston, MA.


Where should I start on that?
Well, you can start anywhere you want.


Q: "Does 'X' have hippie hair?
A: "No, 'X' has Bald hair.


There's some Stuff looking for some Stuff.

(30 seconds later)








"The Rain is Wet."


I hope you enjoyed buying it because I sure enjoyed selling it.


"My Guardian method is 'Shasta!'"


Recently heard at Mr. Sushi:

"Would you like to Super-Size that California roll?"


Work is for getting your Work done at Work

A committee is a group of people trying to take credit for something they coudln't do by themselves.

Teamwork is having to do other people's jobs.


> Internet access is down at the office.  i've got to telnet through three
> routers to get here to write this.

Three routers?  In my day, you made packets by hand and delivered them on
foot.  I carved header bytes with a dull penknive in 35 below without
gloves at the age of eight.  And I liked it.

You boys don't know how good you got it -- what with your fancy
packet-switching this and ATM cloud that -- why you panty-waisted litte
girls don't know what it was like....working in coal mines, indexing the
entire site with a legal pad and a piece of Pennsylvania field ore.

Why, I wrote an entire shopping cart site -- in longhand -- and drew the
graphics in crayon.  We served the site off a piece of wood nailed to the
side of an ore cart.  And we got 3,500 hits an hour.

And porn?  We made our own porn -- in hand-puppets by candlelight.  We
didn't have than new-fangled Quicktime.  Our idea of streaming content was
the smoke coming out of the fire in Chute 114 -- we didn't even have
graphical-user interfaces.  We thought we were big time when we watched
nude pictures in ASCII artwork at half a baud.

Why we were even too poor for phone lines -- we mailed IBM punch cards
back and forth to chat.  We did talk sessions with candles and codebooks
-- two flashes for yes, one flash for no.  And three flashes mean "LOL."

We never even heard of emoticons when I was a boy.  We had to type out or
emotions on screen -- type them -- we couldn't afford punctuation to make
emoticons.  We were limited to all of the uppercase letters of the
alphabet except "Q" because the q hadn't been invented yet.

Three routers?  If only I had had it so lucky.


The Waitress Manifesto

John David, Executive Producer
(c) 1999 John David Enterprises

Scene 1:

[We open to a wide angle of Lee and Buchanan inside Nakato restaurant sitting at a tattami hibachi table after finishing a meal. Waitress comes to deliver their receipts and to make senseless obligatory small talk. Lee and Buchanan take their receipts and begin putting them into their wallets.]

Waitress: (in ditzy voice) "Well, you see, me and my boyfriend were..."

[Buchanan takes silent notice of the word "boyfriend" and invisibly scratches Waitress off of his mental 'Possibilities List.' Buchanan immediately leaves the table to collect his belongings, intentionally ignoring the rest of Waitress' sentence. Waitress continues mindless babble completely oblivious to Buchanan walking toward the restaurant front door to leave.]

Waitress: (continues uninterrupted) "... and we were going over to the bar to..."

[Waitress continues droning conversation.]

Lee: (interrupts Waitress) "Where'd Buchanan go?"

[Lee notices that Waitress has failed to ensnare Buchanan with her exuberant personal magnetism.]

Waitress: "He was just here! Wow! He just, like, disappeared!"

[Lee stands up to leave the table.]

Lee: (muttering) "Oh. He's out in the lobby having a mint."

[Lee walks off camera leaving Waitress to talk to herself.]

Waitress: "Oh, did I tell you about the time my boyfriend and I were..."

[Waitress continues droning conversation not noticing that Lee is already walking out the door.]

Scene 2:

[Outside the camera pans to a shot of Lee and Buchanan leaving the restaurant. Buchanan is standing in the outer lobby examining a mint.]

Lee: "Damn, man! You were gone before you left! No sense sitting around talking to her, that's for damn sure."

Buchanan: (laughing) "Yeah!"

[Lee and Buchanan drive off into sunset. roll credits]

Written and directed by: John David
Makeup/Wardrobe: John "Patches" David
Key Grip: John "Hammer" David
Mint Wrangler: John "Paul" David

(c) 1999 John David Enterprises


Eel Wear(tm), the company and name brand for popular eel clothing has been temporarily ceased production of all of its clothing lines after the result of an injunction made earlier in the month. The ACLU-PE (American Civil Liberties Union for the Protection of Eels) gave reason that the rights and virtue of eels worldwide had been violated by the exploitation of their race, and that the eel logo on various shirts and ties misrepresented the true eel culture.

An appeal to the injuction was filed the same day and is awaiting a date set for the hearing.


If I'm not doing it, I'm thinking about it.

If I wasn't doin' it i'd be thinkin' about it.


Ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is satisfying.


Representatives for the MacroSpatial Soy Company and eelsauce electric condiment Company met in Brussels today to discuss the formation of a new product for the eel community. Aptly named "Eel Player", the product will be marketed by Eel Networks as an alternative to traditional streaming eelsauce application methods used today for the production of eel sushi. A sister product, "Eel Video", is expected to be released later in the year for eel surveillance companies.

Why New England Sucks

There was a farmer who stepped onto a train at North Station in Boston, headed back to his home in Quechee, Vermont. Pretty soon, a well-dressed Boston banker sat next to him. A few minutes later the banker said, "You look like an intelligent sort. I'll tell you what. Since we have to spend some time together, let's play a game."

The farmer replied, "What kind of game do you have in mind?"

"Well," said the banker, "one of us will ask the other a question. If the other fella can't answer it, then he pays a dollar."

The farmer thought for a minute and then replied, "That doesn't sound fair to me. You are college-educated and live in Boston. I only attended grammar school and live on a small dairy farm. If I ask you a question and you can't answer, you pay me a dollar. If you ask me a question and I come up short, I'll pay you 50 cents."

The banker agreed and asked the farmer to pose a question.

The farmer started right out, "What has three legs and can fly?"

The banker looked a bit surprised, thought for a minute, scratched his head, and said, "I have no idea. Here's your dollar."

The farmer then said, "OK, now it's your turn."

The banker looked straight at the farmer and asked, "Well, what is it that has three legs and can fly?"

The Vermonter shot back, "Damned if I know. Here's your 50 cents!"

Thus, the ill-tempered, antagonistic attitude of why most of the US shuns rude New England inhabitants. Only in New England is is considered "normal" to treat each other with disrespect. But not only is it considered normal, it is encouraged.

Misc tidbits:

Anything that is complex is not useful and anything that is useful is simple.

The Best is the enemy of Good Enough.

Information is lost in hierarchies. Superiors hear only what Inferiors think they want to hear, and Inferiors are only told what Superiors want them to know. 6/94

Before the foul-sounding word "blog" existed there was eelnews.

If you know of any eel events or activities, please send mail to the eelerator at

Revisit this page often for the latest eel news!

All content copyright Chris Lee and Jason Buchanan... and to those we didn't mention either by accident or on purpose.